2.) Cut the chicken thighs. Partway through cutting chicken, you should hear a loud thump as your one-year-old gets his first bleeding head injury. Put the knife down, but don’t wash that chicken hand! That way you can feel extra guilty when the back of your baby’s shirt is full of raw chicken goo.
3.) Finish cutting your chicken, mix it with the spices and toss it in the fridge. Make chicken mini-tacos from the freezer for dinner.
Day 2
4.) Well, the meat prep is done, the rest should be easy. Place your youngest son in the pack and play, so he can’t commit suicide out of your eye sight. If you alternate between talking to him like you are teaching a cooking class and singing silly songs, he probably won’t cry too much. Slice onion thin. Cry so hard from cutting onion that you can’t fathom handling it to measure out only the two cups you need; throw all onion slices in a bowl, cover with Saran Wrap, and set aside for your vindaloo.
5.) Mince the garlic and ginger. Make three trips to your older son’s room so he can give you unimportant messages about how he doesn't want that toy castle from Target anymore.
6.) Cut one medium baking potato into ¼ inch cubes, not because it actually says ¼ inch, but because you need glasses. ¼ inch cubes would be diced, dumbass!
7.) Partway through cutting the potato, you will realize you are not going to get this meal done on time. That’s ok; make it for tomorrow. Put the store-bought pizza dough on the cutting board and allow it to rest at room temperature for 20 minutes. Don’t forget to put lots of flour down, so that your older son can come over and make a huge mess while eating flour. Place in timeout and forget.
8.) Finish that potato!
9.) Answer your older son’s yells regarding leaving timeout to go to the bathroom. Tell him he wasn't in timeout, but then immediately remember that he was, for a prolonged amount of time. Apologize profusely, and encourage bathroom use.
10.) Flatten dough. Allow older son to “help” flatten dough. Add sauce and cheese. Throw in oven.
11.) Put potato, onion, garlic and ginger in fridge. Tomorrow is a new day.
Day 3
12.) Enjoy the pervasive smell of onions every time you open the fridge today, because you only covered the onions in Saran Wrap.
13.) Cut tomatoes while your older son sings “Call Me Maybe,” and hits pots and pans with a chopstick and a reusable straw.
14.) Sauté onions, then add ginger and garlic. Before that happens, be sure to kill and dispose of all the ants on your stove.
15.) Add potato, mustard seeds, tomatoes, coconut milk, green chilies and salt. Stir for 2 minutes. Add chicken and water; bring to a boil. Simmer for 30 minutes.
16.) Drink wine; vow not to make homemade Indian cuisine until children are in college.
